Some lessons learned - dealing with family stuff

[ZERTErYNOthe]

I'm not sure if this is the best forum, but hopefully I won't offend anyone. Please feel free to direct me to a better forum. Buckle up, its a long post.

My father, age 90, is healthy, but in long term memory care. He no longer remembers me, but he is otherwise healthy and happy. His care is expensive. Really expensive.

He had planned for this. He got long term care insurance. He has a pension, which includes a decent BCBS health insurance policy. When my Mom was going through Multiple Myeloma, this health insurance took care of it all - at a really decent hospital, Butterworth / Spectrum in Grand Rapids MI, it didn't bankrupt them (Thanks to the teachers union in Pennsylvania).

After Mom passed Dad was doing well, at least we thought so. He always sounded good, on top of things, but we started getting concerned. We hired a cleaning service, and the person assigned said that she was finding lot's of pills on the floor, and other similar things. Dad was still making his bed every day, and going to coffee every morning, but we asked for a nurse to come in and fill his pill containers every two weeks. He was unhappy, but accepted it. It turns out he wasn't remembering his pills. He was also not eating well, and not doing a good job with food safety (long story, I will spare the details).

I should add in here, my parents bought in to an 'age in place' condo, the Holland Home, in Michigan. Once you buy in your care is guaranteed for life. My Grandmother was the first of our family to buy in, but I have had many more as well. It is a great system.

Back to the story: Just before Covid hit, my sister and I were concerned enough that we asked a social worked to check on our father. Their assessment was that he should not be living on his own. We had suspected that for a while, but which is why we got someone involved. It turns out he was really good at 'faking it'. Well, he was a former politician! But seriously, it was far worse than we thought.

So, we arranged for him to move from independent living to assisted living. That was a HUGE and unpleasant battle, and the very same day that we moved him in to his new place, the facility got locked down for Covid, as did his old condo. Thank God, now he was at least getting meals supplied. If he had been in his old condo he probably would have died.

He seemed to be doing well in assisted living. He was kind of pissed off about the fact that he couldn't just get friends to take him out to dinner, that sort of thing, but other questions about finances and stuff seemed good. And then he got Covid. I could tell from my daily phone calls. He survived, but his younger brother, my much loved uncle, didn't. He was never the same after that, but I think we were ignoring the signs of his decline.

These days I still visit my Father when I can, call him often, and my Sister visits often (she is local), but he no longer remembers us. That's OK, we remember him, and still love him.

And now, to summarize the issues:

1. We assumed for far too long that our father was keeping up with finances and bills. He forgot he had long term care insurance (something he used to tell me was so important), and the policy lapsed. When we found out about it, it was too late to do anything.

2. He was many years behind on state and federal taxes. We have made progress, but are still catching up.

3. Our family has a cottage that has been in the family since the 1950s. It is in our parents name. Dad simply forgot to pay taxes or utilities. We are catching up.

4. Years ago my parents filed for a 'ladybird deed' for the children, a good step. but only covers a specific circumstance.

5. Now that my father is in need of Medicaid, all of his assets need to be depleted before he can get benefits. A first and a Second home, such as his cottage, are not included in the assets that must be liquidated before he can receive benefits. The problem is, despite he and my Mother living there about 6 months out of the year for decades, he didn't use that as his mailing address so it doesn't qualify for Medicaid as a residence.

Lessons learned:

1. Be more forceful with your parents, even if you think they are doing OK. Even if they are private with their finances. Or resentful. Or think children, or women (daughters) shouldn't be involved (I'm the son, btw, and think my sister should have been included much earlier).

2. It's NOT selfish to ask about probate related stuff, but is selfish if you avoid it. I kind of thought that was morbid, and didn't want to think about my parents death. My selfishness had compounded the problems, and now I am dealing with a worse problem, definitely not good. Confronting it earlier would have saved all of us a lot of grief.

This is really long, and I doubt anyone will actually read it, but I appreciate having somewhere to talk about this. My sincere love to all of you.