"That's just the way the world works"
She'd observed and learned and may not have the energy or the opportunity to keep trying out another version of how the world is.
...teach her another way...
How is that to be done? What can he, as well meaning as he is and I love the OP for all he said, teach her that?
That sounds patronizing, on the surface but I'm sure you mean he can do such a thing. He certainly wants to do so and is not going to 'mansplain,' or try to control her. I know you mean that for the best as he does, but superficially, it seems wrong to me.
your friend needs to learn to love herself and trust her instincts...
I think she is loving herself enough to avoid men hopefully until she is independent enough for relationships for her to be at 'the level of choice,' free to say yes or no without feeling any sense of loss, or neediness.
She is trusting her instincts and some of us have had to develop different instinct to protect ourselves. At times, it is best to be alone. And it is wise to admit one has suffered and to not fall for the same things again.
I had a dear friend, who'd been a prostitute and come from an abusive home. She was visiting where I lived and an married man was trying to catch her fancy.
She was falling for him, and I warned her that he was not as he was presenting himself to be. Her history had given her such a need for love that she saw any kind of warmth or kindness, even sexual interest, as the love she needed. She decided that she needed to change 'her taste in men.'
Although I think the OP would be a good match, but she is not seeing that in him. She only sees what she has known. I'm not telling him to swoop in for a rescue and he knows that he can't fix it. If she has this vision of all men being abusive, she will not be able to accept a man who isn't.
Perhaps we are saying the same things and I am being clumsy. But I'll attempt to finish.
she must overcome her self-doubt and insecurity in order to live a full life and help her distinguish between the assholes and the good ones... it is not easy
See, that sounds just like what I was saying, but it still sounds patronizing. I think that people have very good reasons for acting the way that they do and adapting to things.
After her life history, she is like many, hard wired. She will not be able, no matter who attempts to soothe her, release that. The only things I have found to relieve that mindfulness meditations, EFT and overwriting the memories. I've known people who will do things that are considered reckless or taking certain risks that inevitably fail to erase the hard wiring. They seek to relive the trauma, but are convinced they can 'win' this time.
The OP author is correct, the atmosphere we are being suffocated by is not inevitable in results. But it's hard to break away from the polluted sources of social information, as we need each other to survive. The media has become like a computer worm, infesting the consciousness.
People are imitate whatever they see or hear from it, no matter how destructive it is to other human beings or the planet. It is so powerful and addictive they will fight having it taken away like a drug addict. It's a mental and emotional addiction, makes them feel more alive.
Watching this happen makes me despair at times. Anyway, gotta get some rest.
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