As many of you know, my Mom died Friday, the 3rd of Jan.

[slightlv]

It's been really hard, cause we've been dealing with a major snowstorm, followed by more snow and ice. That's just the practical side of things. Family that want to come from South Missouri are stopped due to weather and age. And my siblings and I have truly discovered we are the last of the family, in all truth. So many cousins, etc., lost to cancer or accidents long before their time. It's sad to see the family whittled down to so few.

I haven't sat down to cry and grieve since I got the news. Too much to do, and all my siblings are laying it on my doorstep to make the right decisions. I've brought them into final planning meetings with the mortuary, etc., and made it a point to say, "speak up if you want to make changes or disagree with something" but everybody is just inside themselves. I understand. I would be too, if I had the luxury. It was a total surprise when Mom died, having just been with her and her "antler ears" on Christmas Eve.

We've had to wait to get in line at the National Cemetery. The snow held up more than a few funerals, it seems. So as of right now, I've set a Visitation at the Funeral Home on Wed, Jan 15. That will be followed by a small graveside service in the National Cemetery, where she'll be laid next to my Dad. Afterwards, we'll come back to my house for a small luncheon/wake for family and close friends. I'm trying to hold on to that last phrase "family/close friends" when it comes to that luncheon. It's only going to be sandwiches, veggie tray, etc. (unless someone brings something I don't know about), but we bought our house about 6 years ago after it'd been vacant for many, many years. We bought it because we could afford it and pay cash for it. It was my "retirement" home, IMO. BUT we really didn't realize how little strength we had at this point to do the fixing up, and after buying the house the money for repairs were basically gone. My home is outfitted in what I call "Early American Garage Sale," anyway. IOW, I'm a bit ashamed of having people in my home. Ashamed that after a lifetime of work, this is all I have to share; and ashamed that I can't do better by Mom than this... although this was her home, too, for about 3 years with us.

WHY do we get fixated on this kind of crap during this time? My house should be the least of my worries right now. I just hope Mom knows I've done the best I can with what I had, and what little help I've had. I hope she knows I do this out of a place of the great love I've had for her... through the rotten times as I was growing up, past the time period we just flat-out didn't talk, to where we ditched the mother-daughter stuff and became best friends.

I did get a call from a former coworker who now lives in OK. If I'd talked to him any longer, I think the dam would have burst on the tears. But around here, the cold and the snow and the ice is keeping everyone at home, right when I could use hugs and company and good talk. I just feel so alone.