An update

[kozar]

Another 4am day starting, I get up at 4 twice a week to do Laundry while LilBit sleeps, our laundry is only about 200 feet away, I can run over, put my 3 loads in and be back in about 5 mins, then dryer, then bring the clothes here and fold them on couch. Remember, LilBit is incontinent as well. I have to change bedding on average of every other day.
So, last Thursday, while I was working with state for help with LilBit, made my phone call re: the life insurance. Seems MrsK in her last stages, changed beneficiary from myself, to LilBit and LilBit’s brother.
That doesn’t really bother me( well, kinda) because I am LilBit’s Dad, rep payee, etc etc. just gonna cost me a few hundred for our lawyer to file all the papers to post office retirement (opm). That sent forms to LilBit that seem very complicated.

My point, all this, not withstanding. I panicked a lot on Thursday, my buddy was here with me. He lives across street. He and his wife saw MrsK in her last 2 years, and was not only doing LilBit, incontinence, but Mrs as well. They have been , and are financially covering LilBit and my finances until life insurance settled. Fast forward, so I had pretty tough Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Honestly, didn’t sleep for 72 hours. My, yes , my parents, “ didn’t like the way I sounded” when I called them and just needed to vent off. So they called local police for wellness check. LilBit and I were asleep, I answered door, told the. Come in, woke LilBit , asked her to come talk to the men here. She did, in a way, she doesn’t do well with “manly men”. And then I saw my neighbor, he was there, saying and protecting us, “ look at LilBit’s hair, look at her, she is fine! I watch Koz everyday, why are you here?” And the police told him, one of their family called, because, they said Koz didn’t sound “good”.
So yesterday, when I was done with the state conference call, that supposedly would fix things for LilBit, and then they told me, all you gotta do is call Sen Rubio office, I did , they told me , call Gov’s office, I did. Then I called my mother, and asked, what are you doing?
She said “ you don’t sound good, I had to protect LilBit”. And I kinda went off,, I screamed, I yelled, I told her I talk to therapist every other day, and they tell me and so do you, give LilBit her grief?? I’ve given LilBit everything since we touched and kissed MrsK body in ER. I pushed my daughter in her wheelchair and called you all since that moment, and told you what happened, my job since that second in ER, was my daughter!! My Mother said, until you sound “good” I’ll continue to all police.
So here I am 8 weeks out, I do LilBit better than anyone, but. My therapist telling me, you gotta let LilBit grieve, And now I’m starting to ask, when do I get to grieve? I feel like a robot since she passed, I wake, if I sleep, clean,LilBit wakes, she gets 90% of me until she goes to sleep. Yes, LilBit is presenting behaviors , and then I get her calm, and check my emails or answer my door because cops are here, and you are telling me I’m the problem Mom? She said, yep.
Guess my bereavement is unique, I still feel I haven’t addressed, my grief yet, neither have my family or therapists. They all want to see the challenged daughter, but none of them are helping her, they just email and make phone calls to cops. I’m just a tired Koz