My first Fathers Day without my Dad.

[boston bean]

I went over to the grave today, after stopping off at Home Depot to pick up some supplies and plants to make a flower bed at the site. The cemetery he is buried in is a bit older and doesn't have some of the restrictions that others do. You are allowed to make a flower bed. I planted two Hosta and some daisy's. I was crying on my way from there over to the cemetery. I've been crying more lately, after a sort of hiatus of flooding of feelings.

When I got to the cemetery my sister was there with her husband, which was a welcome sight. My brother in law helped dig out the bed and place the granite stones to outline the flower bed. I wasn't just grateful for the help with the work, but grateful they were there period. We all miss him so much. We lean on eachother. He was taken so suddenly from us. All the last words were never said, no last I love you, no last I appreciate you, no last thank you.

My son graduated the first Sunday in June and we had his graduation party last Saturday. It was a happy and momentus time, but there was a real hole there for all of us. He would have snapped hundreds of pictures. He was a photography bug and had really good camera equipment, that I wouldn't even know how to turn on. In a way, I think my sons graduation is what sort of helped me through the last couple of months. I was staying focused on things I needed to do for that and focusing on keeping up beat. Because my Dad would be really upset if we let anything get in the way of such a momentous, happy day for his first grandchild.

Since then, I've been in a funk. I'm tredging through the days, but each day feels like I have a thousand pound weight on my chest. I am really ok, I am working through it all and have much support. Looking at my mom is heartbreaking. She feels so lost without him, and feels her life has in a way ended with no one to share the rest of her life with. I know that all of these thing will pass in time and things will get better, and of course they could be worse.

I have also planted a garden in his memory. He loved to garden and always had the best one on the street. He had a real green thumb. I learned everything I know from him and so far it is turning out real good. I think he must be helping, because I have lost many plants before... I don't usually have a green thumb.... I use to watch him and tell him where to plant the stuff. I loved watching him out there working in the garden. I look there now and I still see him working there.

I guess I ought to start to focus on getting my son off to college, there's lots to do there. Plus working full time....

Well, I just wanted to put this down and help get some of it out.

Thanks for listening.