College age child with depression, anxiety and stress

[woodsprite]

Not sure if this is the write group to post this too, but here goes. I feel bad about it going off at my daughter the other day, but she received 2 Z's out of 4 classes this semester. Apparently she stopped going to those 2 classes sometime the end of October. They're both in her chosen minor of Russian. She may not have stopped the 2nd class (English lit w/ Russian authors), but they were taught back-to-back by the same professor. She said she feels so stupid, everybody else is so smart and they look at her funny when she mispronounces something, but she's comparing herself with native Russian speakers who are taking the classes for an easy "A". She's learned a new alphabet and moved up to advanced classes in just 3 years - that's not someone deserving of any label other driven in my book.

This from a girl who was on the Dean's list the first year and who is still pulling A's-C's in her other courses - major is Art Conservation (so it's not the easiest major). The minor was her idea, not required. It's not like she's trying to work and keep up with classes/studying. If she wanted a job, she could get one. We haven't suggested one way or another because our feeling is that since she is in a demanding major which does require internships, that she should concentrate on that aspect. Being a student and graduating is her job right now. It seems like anything where she feels she'll be judged (job interview, past experience, etc.) it sends her into a tailspin, but it's one where it's not obvious. She hides it very well, but the stress or anxiety of it drives her to total inaction, if that makes sense.

It scares me because she keeps saying she's 'stupid', she feels stupid. She's went to the campus counseling center Tuesday and was talking to someone there about how to deal with this. She has never really lied to us before about things (at least, not that I'm aware of), but she definitely did this past semester. I kept asking if were there going to be any surprises we needed to know about, 'are you doing OK in your classes'. anything you need help with, etc.... She supposedly has another appointment with the same psychologist tomorrow to talk about coping mechanisms and to get her set up with someone she can talk to over the winter session.

According to her, the counselor thinks she has some depression, stress, and anxiety over classes, graduation, etc. The counselors, profs, etc. don't talk to or even welcome much in the way of parent involvement. I'm not sure how to show concern over her, her academics, and well being without being labeled a "helicopter" parent or just being ignored. My daughter shared some of the information as well as the drs contact info with me when she came home. She said he did a survey with her and asked lots of questions. Yesterday, I sent him email saying that I want to respect her privacy, but want to/and will make ourselves available to help her in whatever way she needs. My husband doesn't think I should have emailed him but I didn't think it would hurt. We're a very close family and she lives at home (not in a dorm).

My daughter has always been much harder on herself than anyone around her, so I know what a friend meant when she told me about the consequences in her own head being bigger and louder than anything else. When I told our daughter it's fine and it wouldn't be the first time that someone either dropped a minor or changed what they were doing. She said she does enjoy her major now that she has some good friends in her classes. They are also in her winter session classes (painting and pottery - both things she enjoys). She told the counselor she misses music (plays the violin, but hasn't had time). She actually dropped out of the town symphony because she didn't like playing classical music as much as popular music.

She's always taking care of/mothered her friends (did in high school, now again in college), but when I asked if she shared about her Russian classes with them, she said no. So it's OK if she sees their weakness, but she doesn't want to share hers with anyone. She didn't feel she could be truthful with us about the classes, but has been talking about it a bit yesterday and last night.

She had issues a few times in high school dealing with classes/not turning in work that she had actually done and had in her notebook, etc. and as I remember, the worst of those times were when she was helping her friends through some rough times of their own (one friend came out to her mother, another was under eval/medicated due to a suicide attempt, etc.) Thinking back, about the time she started having issues this time was when a boy she had known since high school was killed in a car crash. It was all over the news, as were pics of him. Then on Halloween when her friends had a party, she held everything together and was the responsible 'grown-up' when she had to call the police/paramedics to take one of them to the ER (alcohol poisoning), while she and another girl babysat the other friend (kept her from doing something she'd regret), cleaned up her house from the 2 girls being sick, then went and picked the girl up from the ER when she was released. She told me last night that the one that went to the ER is doing 2 internships, a full class load and had to be driven home by their dept. chair the other day because she had collapsed in class.

Sorry this is so long. I just had to get all that out. I haven't heard back from the psychologist (not really expecting to). I just want to make sure we're doing everything we should at home for her. I'm probably driving her crazy with finding reasons to check on her or asking if she's OK - OK going to the grocery store for some dog food, OK heating some soup up for her and her brother for dinner, etc. Right now, I feel kinda helpless. She's such a perfectionist and expects to be "on" all the time. Three fourths of our family is definitely not that way, which may stress her out even more. I don't know. I feel like I'm going to cry if someone looks at me cross-eyed because I'm so worried about her.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.