I hate bipolar disease

[Maraya1969]

i have been having the worse time with mania lately. Not saying that depression is a cake walk but mania, to people who don't get it, can be very aggravating, causes all sorts of social and even dangerous problems, and is just plain tormenting.

I finally went to sleep around 5pm today after being so manic and rageful all afternoon and now it is almost 7am am I am still awake. I took another Saphris, (anti-psychotic) after the 2 I took this after noon to go to sleep and it is not working. And all I am thinking about is whether I should just stay up all day so I can sleep tomorrow, (Wednesday) or try and go to sleep sometime this morning and hope not to sleep too long to ruin my sleep for tomorrow night.

This has been my life. I have always been a night owl but it get just stupid sometimes.

And I have lost a friend this time around. But I am pissed at her because she is Schizophrenic and I never threw her problems back into her face but this time when I wrote a nasty letter to someone and then apologized she still told me how, "shocked" she was at my letter. Of course she forgets the time when she thought her co-workers were witches who were putting spells on her. But MY outburst just looks like someone who has no class so I am vilified for it.

I hate that I lose control and do things I regret. They aren't big things anymore but usually just raging or sending raging emails. but still I wish I had the sense at that time to see clearly and realize that I am just in a mood and it will pass and my thinking is not all that straight right now.

So that's my rant right now. I feel a little relaxed so I hope I will be able to sleep within a couple hours.

To all you who battle with mania I understand, I really do. And to everyone dealing with brains that are wired fuckedup-idly I understand too. God bless us everyone.