You know what's really, really freaky?

[Neoma]

Not realizing that I was abused. This...explains a lot of my past behavior. Mostly punching pillows and wanting to box. Anger spurring out of no where, all the self-doubt and ugly things I ended up saying to myself, was really what he said to me. It stalled my life so much, and I didn't even realize why. And now I can work on getting past this, now that I've realized.

I'm still "holy fuck" about the brainwashing that happened. All those years of calling me weakling, and down playing or denying what happened. Questioning my memory, intimidating, threatening, blaming other things for it, diminishing approval, trying to keep me more isolated due to "my safety." Plus he's the older brother. 7" taller than me. We were around each other constantly too, we were unschooled.

I guess the other 20+ traumatic events (yes, I wrote down a list and counted) covered up it. I haven't ever wondered why I was triggered, because it's no fucking wonder.

Still stunned.