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Mental Health Support

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Fire Walk With Me

(38,893 posts)
Fri Jan 4, 2013, 03:44 PM Jan 2013

Need your support please. [View all]

Last edited Wed Jan 9, 2013, 05:27 PM - Edit history (6)

Warning, disturbing content; not for those easily swayed into unhappiness. Sorry to have not qualified this earlier.

Or at least your awareness.

I'm dual-diagnosis, as some who have posted alongside me in GD and Meta have already learned during the NRA "mental illness" wars.

I was in manic energy until about three years ago when some psych meds flipped that over into exhaustion (and damaged my short-term memory and other mental functions). As an obvious addict (but not to myself until being referred to the 12-Step rooms), before I learned of this, I became a target for some people on the internet who said straight out that they were getting entertainment out of pushing my buttons. This went on for years. Eventually I over-reacted and blew it, from carrying the pain of multiple levels of abuse from childhood, which only later the 12-Step program showed me how to be rid of it. Personal attacks which HURT, etc. It took years of this to get me to that point. I had no other tools than arguing and huffing and puffing to attempt to be rid of these people, and of course I now see in retrospect that engaging them in any way only fueled them. As this went on ever longer, I came to the conclusion that they sought to see how far my weakness could be pushed. Yes, at one point I hung with sadists because I'd long since despaired of "love", or any human dynamic involving anything other than my being on the receiving end of suffering and pain. Pain management had become the only logical, useful skill to me. I was self-destructive and wanted to die. I almost did die at the age of 13 in a freak accident. By that age I had given up entirely.

My higher power managed to keep me sober through the later revelation of bipolarity.

I'm a typical asshole addict, self-centered to the absolute core, who must work to become something better, and I want that entirely. In my destructive phase, I have shouted and even emotionally damaged an innocent family member. But what I'm getting at here is not about the wrongs I've done, for which I'm entirely responsible and am still hoping to make some effective amends beyond changing the involved behaviors. This is about being vulnerable to those who seek to cause harm for its own sake. I have spent seven horrific weeks in a psych ward, most of them fighting a flippant misdiagnosis. I was dumped there by those who sought to use that system to remove me from their lives out of fear and vengeance and simple cruelty. I am recovering despite what may be said about me by those either too frightened to understand or even care about my path of recovery (over-reacting to any "cue" they detect) or who just want to cause harm. I have suffered more than enough to "fix" any debt to those who claim one against me. I'm "living" at half the level of poverty and am unable to work to gain anything better. I'm screwed by meds into something less than I was. I used to read voraciously and as of now I have barely read in the last year and a half. I'm done suffering over the cruelty and fear of those who don't care or even understand that I AM NOT VIOLENT and will not be. I knew that I was being herded into destruction as my job prospects disappeared, became unwelcome in AA rooms (some extremely conniving, silver-tongued people are sober so don't take "not drinking/using" as an imprimatur of even being positive, or of not being able to go as negative as they'd ever been before. Time is not an indicator of sanity or deep adherence to the program.), I knew I had as they say in AA, "no safe direction", yet I did not harm beyond speech and an intensity of which I am no longer capable. I'm no innocent but I just want to be free of being forced, of being harmed by any either of "good intent" or not.

So.

Please download this bit of audio of one of them telling me that he's going to get me put (back) into a psych ward because I'm vulnerable to it. Please store it, copy it off. Please know that I want the AA program fully and deeply and am a work in slow progress. I'm not going to snap even if I become loudly frustrated. I am not going to harm anyone no matter what any might claim. I have avoided intimacy over the possible risk of false accusation against me. If someone claims I've attacked them, and there is no damn proof, they're lying. The last thing I want is immersion again into that "system", and I use my energy to become better, to not need to. If I have lesser symptoms which do not involve harm, "so what". My hygiene is low because I'm an extreme introvert. We recharge through being alone. Extroverts recharge through active participation with people. I am not isolating; I'm taking care of myself after long experience that this is what I need or I quickly burn out. My hygiene is low because it is a bar against intimacy. I do not want romantic attention at all as I am not ready for it, internally. I'm working upon it but it's not because I've forgotten or need to be reminded; it's because I'm working on taking care of myself and am taking the higher road of not involving others in my own unresolved problems. Obviously I cannot reproduce due to faulty DNA, nor can I afford to create a family at the resource level, so options there are already nearly nil. I'm just taking care of myself doing a plan of action which I know is fully capable of the results I require.

So.

http://www.mediafire.com/?8hdannf8h495944

"You're so easy, it's like air. People can't help but fuck with you. You've got mental retardation written all over your face. 'I need to go in a psych ward, I need to go in a psych ward'. And I'm gonna make that happen, because you're one step away."

There is far, far more than this, but this gives you an effective window into it.

If people continue to have any grievance against me, get in touch with me and we'll deal with it like adults. I am willing. But stop the judgement. I'm different enough as-is that it's insulting, demeaning, privileged, and arrogant. I'm doing the best I can with a limited set of tools, and most often, it sucks like a vacuum cleaner convention. Enough. I've been sick? Yes. So have they. Pot->Kettle: Black. Any who wish to turn this against me only reveal their own pathology..

I'm going to leave this up for several hours. I might delete this thread thereafter. I just know that sickness cannot stand the light. If this backfires upon me, It's merely proof of more in me which needs work. I hope everyone has a good year devoid of symptoms or suffering.

Edit: I want to forgive all hurt done to me, I want to be forgiven for all hurt I've caused, and I have caused hurt; I want to just get beyond this all. Please respect my wish to be left alone to work on my path of recovery so that I may recover.

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