I just discovered a series of wounds on my right foot.

[OldBaldy1701E]

I have not been able to feel my feet in years. Last year, I chipped a bone in my right toe, ( from the stupidest thing you will ever hear about!) and it is still swollen and I doubt it will ever heal.

(They removed veins in my legs to repair my heart. This has reduced my circulation to my lower legs and is exacerbating any issues I have down there. It sucks.)

So, now I am seeing wounds on the bottom that I was unaware of. It has begun to swell even more in the last few days. I am a diabetic and I am in horrible shape due to the last five years of health issues that made me bed ridden for long stretches. Now, I want to get back to how I used to be, and I cannot. My health is deteriorating too fast.

I know what this means.

I cannot live like this. I only have my husband, who is now suffering his own issues and needs help as well.

We are the poor. Having a computer does not indicate a level of wealth these days. Only to the generations that came before such things were commonplace. (I would remind others that there were people who went their whole lives without ever owning a radio back in the forties. They only heard bits from other people or over public address systems. Now, that seems beyond belief.) We can do nothing about any of this. We have just moved to. place we cannot afford, but had no choice because we were lied to and duped into moving up here in the first place. We have paid that price for almost ten years. Now, we will be paying the ultimate price as we slowly die from things that could be addressed, but we are not 'worth' it (to use Brain-Worm Kennedy's description).

And, some people wonder where suicide bombers come from. Really?

The simple fact is that no one is cutting a piece of me off without killing me. So, I need to either find someone who can help me fix this or someone to end this. I am not sure what to do anymore. I do know that this does not have to be this way, yet the fact that it still is tells me that the nation, in general, is okay with it. This position is not new, by the way. Our country has pretty much held this capitalistic ideal for almost a century now. No money, no worth. (That is how we got that orange gibbon, by the way.)

When I have to listen to costs analysis about treatments before I hear about treatments, this life is not for me anymore. One thing I always tried to do was to help others and alleviate suffering if I could. Now, no one will return the favor in either capacity.

Fuck this.