Yes, I am temporarily pretty miserable. Bawled my eyes out a couple of times yesterday. But it is temporary. I'll deal.
After this meeting, I went out to my car and left the voicemail to the former pdoc I hate and blame for dramatically worsening my problems. I didn't go overboard into a tirade, I thought out beforehand the most appropriate thing to say. I said that I was canceling the pending appointment and not rescheduling. I said that if there was any outstanding balance to mail me an invoice and I would pay it immediately. I said that I was not interested in any further treatment from her, and that I was permanently terminating the doctor-patient relationship. Finally, because her message says all calls will be returned within 24 hours, I said that I did not require a callback.
Yes, I'll deal, I'll channel it into moving forward.
What hurts is this -- I joined up at a facility called Lifetime Fitness. It's not some strip mall gym with a few dozen machines in a little storefront. This place is enormous, it has literally just about any fitness activity you could think of with the exception of a few team sports like baseball, football, hockey. I have no clue how many members this place has, but based on the size and completeness of the facility, it must number in the 10's of thousands. Even the parking lot is enormous, and it's usually packed.
And this us an enormous company, they have hundreds of these in metropolitan areas across the US. Total membership must easily be in the millions.
I see people of every age, ever race, every fitness level from guys and women who look like they could compete in the Olympics, to some very overweight, out of shape people who are trying hard to fix it.
What REALLY hurts is this - society judges all of these millions of people as winners who chose an extremely healthy lifestyle and reap enormous benefits from it.
I do the EXACT SAME THING these millions of other people do, and I'm told it's a sign that I'm mentally I'll.
One of the few positives in a life that was pure Hell, a fucking miserable psycho father that hated me and had it in for me so much he pointed guns at me, and these motherfuckers have to take it away from me and tell me there is something wrong with it and with me for doing it.
Where is the justice in that?
And yes, I'm messed up right now, I'm crying so hard right now I can barely type this out. Bur fuck that and fuck them, they are not going to ruin this for me and take this away from me. They can all go fuck off.i
I'll deal. That's what a man does. Because I'm damned sick if being treated like a mentally defective teenage boy who doesn't know a damned thing.
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