since the plague, every time i have a hard time getting along w ppl, i assume it’s me. that i’ve gotten crankier, crazier. but it’s the world these days. we’re all bent now.
but i had a brief thing w this guy i know that was like this. i had flirted w him for a while, and it seemed to be welcome. he’s a huggy guy, described himself as ‘open hearted lover’. he’s quite a bit younger than me, but not crazy younger.
after a long deep convo, as i was leaving his place, i gave him a friendly little peck goodbye. like a mom kiss. well, he latched on, and we spent about 20 min making out on his couch. left it w- yeah, maybe.
a couple hours later, he’s freaking out. it was a terrible mistake, never happen again, yada yada.
i turned myself inside out, trying to figure out how it happened, what i did wrong, how to fix it.
many, many words later, we were back to friends. next time i saw him, it was late, he was doing me a favor, he’s been working hard for several days, and i just reflexively started to rub his shoulders after he turned his back to me.
omg. atomic meltdown. blocked my phone #, blocked me on fb. at that point i realized i had tripped some trigger on him. started to think it wasnt me.
told the story to a mutual friend, who had an even crazier story along the same lines. phew. not me.
then the other day i met a friend of this friend. i started telling this story, and she said- is this about josh? yes. yeah, i’ve heard about a half dozen stories just like this. including that he seems to maintain a cadre of older women w crushes on him.
just rly brought home how hard it is to understand other ppl. how hard it is to rly know how ppl feel about us, and how hard to know what they mean by the word love.
i was married for 30 yrs to a guy who could not answer the question- why do you love me?
he never, ever had a good answer. his mom was a world class bitch. he never learned how, rly.
8 yrs later, i’m almost convinced i’m lovable. we’re just all puzzles w pieces missing. it’s a wonder we fit together well enough to have a next gen.
it’s a good place to heal- it’s not me. i didnt deserve it. there is no nurturing to be had w a broken person.
i should make a sampler.
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