Relapse

[Hekate]

10. Right now the very air we breathe in America is toxic, and you are not alone in feeling fragile...

...and unsure.

But in fact you are very strong. You’ve chosen a very hard path — in fact, you are on a Hero’s Journey. You have set out to find your authentic self, which may be the hardest thing of all.

When I was in grad school in the Mythological Studies Program in my late 40s, of course the work of Joseph Campbell and of Jung were central. Fascinating stuff, for sure. But Hero’s Journeys are gendered, as you may know. Fortunately a number of women had taken up the subject by that time, and it was my joy to discover them too, because of how they spoke to me, personally.

My point in saying this is that I hope you can find the mythological/psychological ground of your story among authors who have come along since those days. In my mind I am reviewing my library, and I don’t see transitioning there or I would recommend an author, but I acquired most of those books 20 years ago. My dissertation Advisor was a woman named Christine Downing, who wrote extensively on mythology and gender from a very personal perspective, having been married to a man for 25 years, birthed 4 children, and at the time I knew her was partnered with a woman who was a powerful poet in her own right.

I hope you don’t think this is intrusive. But your post spoke to me and to my experience that each of us is living a story, and that we can choose to change that story by becoming conscious of it. You’re doing that. If you are okay with book suggestions, I can do a little research (i.e. rummage around) and see what I can find...

“To be nobody but yourself
In a world which is trying night and day to make you everybody else
Means to fight the hardest battle anyone can fight
And never stop fighting”

I read that in a magazine when I was all of 18, and cut it out and saved it for many years; it is probably still among my college papers from the 1960s, brittle paper nibbled around the edges by mites. It might be by e.e. cummings... It sounds like him.

It’s almost 3 a.m. and I am getting quite foggy, so I will stop soon before I completely lose the thread. So one last thing: every human being who sets out needs companions, allies, friends. No one goes it alone. No one gets there alone. I hope you find allies in person, such as your therapist (yes, I know, $$$). But given the suggestions in some of the other posts, there may be specific online sites. And I think there may be some allies here.

Take care of yourself. Try that breathing thing. Stay safe.