Asking for advice regarding 13 year old trans boy

[Coventina]

Hi all,

If this is not appropriate, please feel free to lock or delete.

I'm asking for advice on a difficult situation with a 13 year old trans boy.

My sister-in-law reached out to me, but I didn't have much advice to give.

Apologies in advance, as this might be a bit lengthy.


The situation is this: My SIL (a very caring person) has become somewhat of a mother / mentor figure for this boy. He is the youngest of three siblings, the older two are cis-female. He is the only one still living with his father. The mother is completely out of the picture.

The father is a fundamentalist Christian, and is refusing to accept Jacob as his son. He constantly berates him and says Jacob is female, will always be female, and will not cooperate with Jacob on anything. Needless to say, Jacob has not seen either a doctor or a counselor to support his gender identity.

I won't bore you with the long story of how my SIL came to be Jacob's mother figure / confidant / mentor, but she is.
She supports Jacob as a trans boy, against the wishes of his father. Jacob spends a lot of time at my SIL's house, just kind of hanging out with her. Jacob's family is extremely poor, they were homeless before my SIL and brother actually bought the family a cheap condo to live in. (Fortunately, my brother is able to do this).

Jacob's dad is blind and lives on disability, that is why they are so poor.

Anyway, because of their extreme poverty, my SIL ends up buying Jacob a lot of things (food, school supplies, etc.).

A few days ago, Jacob asked my SIL to buy him some clothes, specifically for trans boys. I did not know such things existed, so I am working on educating myself. My SIL felt a little uncomfortable with this request, as she knows it goes specifically against his father's wishes. Also, the father does not like it when his inability to provide for his children is highlighted this way.

So, my SIL asked Jacob to ask his dad if it was OK that she buy him some clothes. She just wanted general permission to purchase clothes, she did not mean for Jacob to specify that it was things that supported his gender identity.

However, that's what Jacob did, asking his dad if my SIL could buy him binders and special pants. Well, she could hear the dad screaming at Jacob that no, he is a girl, and will always be a girl, and he was not allowed to wear trans supportive clothing.

My SIL was really upset, and ended up buying the clothing for Jacob anyway. But, she's very conflicted about it. She has no legal standing in this situation. Also, she doesn't want to anger the father too much by undermining his position, and possibly forbidding any involvement. My SIL is also a bit uncomfortable with the situation anyway, as she is NOT Jacob's mother, although he's told her he sees her that way.

She's not sure what to do, worrying that the situation is unhealthy. However, she's worried about distancing herself from Jacob, as he has no other person in his life to be an emotional and psychological support.

He's bullied at school a lot. He just got his period, and bled at his desk and the other students made fun of him horribly over it.

As I said earlier, he's not allowed to go for counseling or join any kind of trans support group or peer group due to his dad's extreme views and attitude.

My SIL poured all this out to me last night, although we've talked about it for the last several years (her involvement with the family goes back quite some time). I wasn't sure how to advise her. It seems like a really sad situation, and I understand her worry and concern about it.

I have met the young man myself and I feel his identity is genuine. By that I mean I don't think he is doing this to act out against his dad or anything like that. I feel he is a young man, struggling to live his life true to himself in a horrible situation with his dad.

Any advice would be appreciated.