SO. I think I made some progress in therapy today.

[Locut0s]

Haven't been liking this psych but I decided to really open up today and he actually seem quite nice now. Got rather emotional for me I must say. I find it very difficult to open up and have even more trouble being emotional in front of someone, specifically crying or breaking down. I know this is exactly the point of a psych visit but I still find it hard and I fight against it.

But I'm feeling better about him AND myself after today. Tinny tinny step but it's not nothing I guess. Will have to work on trying to be more comfortable opening up. For some reason every shred of me tries not to cry or feel emotional in these situations.

[elleng]

1. Great to hear this, Locut0s.

You've been sounding very good, engaged, positive, helpful to others, on DU, Lounge and here, recently, so I think there's something good happening. Hang on to it!!!

[Tobin S.]

2. Progress is what it's all about.

Keep moving forward, Locut0s.

[HereSince1628]

3. Having feelings about therapy will likely continue...

One step forward followed by varying numbers of steps backward is pretty common.

I'm glad that you 'logged' it with a post. Doing that helps to provide a record of how your were doing that can be perused later. That's especially useful when things don't seem to be going quite so well.

[get the red out]

4. Good for you

That is not a tiny step, it's huge. I didn't trust Psychs for a LONG TIME. Didn't trust much of anyone.

[fizzgig]

5. sounds like a good step

it's scary letting things out, but bottling things up does more harm than good, at least in my experience.

[Locut0s]

6. Thanks. I've been bottling things up all my life it seems...

Not sure why or where I developed the habit to tell you the truth. My parents were always very loving and supportive but even by the age of 5 or so I'd learned how many of my real feelings. Some early scarring experiences with school and socializing probably helped to get this started and being mercilessly bullied at other times only helped to hammer home my perceived need to do so.

[Locut0s]

7. Another somewhat productive session today...

Not as much as the previous one but I'm getting to be more comfortable talking with him as time goes on. We didn't really cover any new ground that I was not already aware of but it was good to talk about it nonetheless. Mostly it centred around how passive I've learned to be emotionally. I bottle up my emotions and never have a strong opinion on anything that might cause emotional turmoil in the family. I do everything possible to hide from conflict. Another central theme is that I don't have a healthy attitude towards anger as an emotion. I NEVER let myself be angry and shy away from ALL situations in which anger might surface. I've learned this from my family in which anger has NEVER been a productive emotion. It's always been destructive, or hurtful, nothing positive has ever come from it so better to bottle it up and deny it. Of course the bad thing about this is it will surface one way or another, probably in a less healthy way.

[elleng]

8. Sounds good,