Friend tried to hang himself, brain-dead now. Father of 3. Why?

[Bonobo]

Yesterday morning. He was going to go take the boat to work, instead stayed at home and hanged himself. Now he is brain-dead, a vegetable.

Loving father of 3. Great dad, loved his wife and kids so much. I want to understand. How could he do that to them? How could he do it in his home where they would find him? How could he not tell anyone? How could he have seemed okay to everyone.

How? Why? How? Why?

I am rather depressed and angry and shocked and numb and hurt and sad…imagine how his family is. He was such a big-hearted person, how could he do this and not consider the damage?

Can someone help me understand? Can someone say something to make me feel better? God, I hurt so much for the kids… my son has a huge crush on his daughter and well, he was the closest to a friend I have on this island where we live….

[BainsBane]

1. I don't think you can find a logical answer

He was probably in excruciating pain and just wanted it to stop. That is why most people attempt suicide. The pain they are suffering overwhelms their ability to think about the positive aspects of their lives, like his children. He suffers from a debilitating illness. It's not unlike someone suffering a heart attack or a stroke. Only in his case the illness was in his brain and overwhelmed his capacity to made rational decisions.

I'm sorry this happened, but I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better.

[Bonobo]

2. Thank you for responding.

THAT made me feel a little better. A little, but it was something that you made the effort. Thank you.

[intaglio]

3. Terrible for all concerned

The only explanation I can come up with is that depressives are very good at hiding the fact then one day ...

A similar case happened to a public figure over here Gary Speed http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Speed#Death

This may sound silly but I suspect that the method might be chosen to "spare" the family from the mess following other methods.

[whathehell]

4. I understand your hurt and bewilderement....Although I agree with BB regarding his inner pain,

I don't understand why people in that situation -- depression, emotional pain -- don't seek help.

I've "been there", myself, with depression, but sought help and came out of it.

For some reason or reasons, women seem to seek help for emotional problems more readily than men.

and that is a frustrating, and very unfortunate reality at this point.

If anyone knows the reason for his depression and/or despair, it's probably his wife or immediate family

members (siblings, parents) and it may come out in due time.

[HereSince1628]

5. Yes, we get caught unexpecting in such crisis because things aren't shared

One of my younger brothers committed suicide about 6 months ago. His common law spouse was located with him and so maybe could have seen some signs, but she says no. I have no reason to doubt her. So the siblings don't really know anything but we have clues to guess about...2 year unemployment following loss of job from a painful chronic health problem, reliance on opioid pain killers (and potentially an expensive addiction), multiple week long hospitalizations in his last year and pride of self dissolving into financial dependence while sitting in a recently purchased more than McMansion in a gated community outside of Myrtle Beach.

For a former financial advisor who bragged he had acquired nearly a million bucks a decade ago, downside reality could have been emotionally brutal.

He left a suicide note, it seems written to ease the pain he was about to cause his s.o., rather than to explain his motivations. Silence on the matter was his to choose, likely because he perceived it as less painful than the sharing.

I wasn't really close to him, we'd actually become somewhat prickly strangers. But his twin really had thought there was closeness in a way special to twins. Consequently, the surviving twin had many questions and a lot of discomfort about that misunderstanding, anxiety about coming up short as a brother, and what if anything that led to suicide was/is also sleeping inside him.

Half a year later the surviving twin is closing in on readjustment...at least as much as can be seen based on what he's willing to share.

[whathehell]

7. I am so sorry for your loss..

It's good to hear that you and his twin seem to be healing.

[HereSince1628]

9. Thanks but really the only emotion I had was about getting him cremated

He and I were long estranged.

His s.o. and his kids (from his first marriage) got in a tussle over who actually controlled his estate (he was on his 5th partner 4 previous relationships apparently being ruined by the institution of marriage) and they all refused to be accountable for funeral expenses.

But his surviving twin and his neice were really freaked out that the body was stored in a refrigerator for over a week and seemed like it might take a month more to get the 'immediate' players to resolve their difference to get it done.

That didn't seem like something that should go on.

So the surviving twin and I put together the money to get the cremation done. As no reconciliation could be made about disposition of the ashes, the mortuary service disposed of them in an unidentified 'natural area' somewhere within a reasonable drive from Myrtle Beach.

[No Vested Interest]

11. You and twin stepped up to what sounds like a real mess.

You have the consolation of knowing that you were the mature responsible one when needed.

[No Vested Interest]

8. I hope the twin is getting psychological and scientific help to realize that

he is not the same person as his suicidal brother.
A lot may be determined by whether they were fraternal or identical twins.
Fraternal twins are biologically like any other brothers. Identical twins have so much more in common, and here he may need a well-trained geneticist to explain how they are different, one twin from the other, so he will not feel that similar feelings and actions are inevitable.

I'm sorry for you and all the family in this situation.

[HereSince1628]

10. No, he's denying any need.

Typical of his age, class and family background

[libodem]

6. I'm sorry Bonobo

That's terrible.

[easttexaslefty]

12. ((((( Bonobo ))))))

It's not something he meant to do "to" them, I would guess. My son suicided in 2007. He was 33 and if you had met him, you would never believe suicide would ever been something he would consider. He didn't't leave a note but some events transpired in a short amount of time ( involving money) that we weren't aware of. ( the last being the repossession of his car at work that night)
Maybe something happened that people are not aware of and he at that moment could not see a way out.
Or maybe like me, he struggled with depression and suicidal ideation. ( PTSD & major chronic depression from my son suiciding & the finding him). I have felt ( at times) that I was a burden to my family and would be doing them a favor. I, if anybody, should know differently but depression lies.
I'm very sorry for your loss. This was not anyone's fault. Big big hugs.

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. I am so sorry. *hugs* There hardly ever seems to be a satisfactory

answer to this question. Even if there is a note that somehow makes logical sense, it rarely does emotionally.

[hunter]

14. I'm having trouble with this thread. I've similar experiences and I've never figured out "Why?"

My own OCD keeps me alive at my very worst off-my-meds depressed running with bloody bare feet feral human state.

If I'm dead who is going to do the things I NEED TO DO??!! It's entirely irrational, brain chemistry, just like anyone who follows through on a suicide plan. I have hairs to pick out of my face and a few weirder things than that. Code to write.

One of my childhood friends killed himself. The "reasons," some that I knew better than his parents, are really no good reason at all.

When I was in college my girlfriend's girlfriend decided it was time to die in my apartment's bathtub. She lived, I forced open the door, and she was the first naked woman I ever touched as an adult, simply to see if she was still alive. But I've never made any sense of any of it.

[Bonobo]

15. (UPDATE)

Thank you everyone for you replies.

The update I have is ...well, maybe at least gives some hope, but it is faint indeed.

I was told that he got some color back in his face and his hand maybe is moving a little.

I don't know if it is much hope, but it is some. I will visit him this weekend.

I have another friend who had an uncle in an accident and he had a twitching finger...stayed as a vegetable for 7 years before he finally died....

All I can do is hope.

But I have come to understand, through reading, that this is truly a sickness and it has no bearing on what kind of a person he is. He is the great guy I knew -but he has an illness. I'm gonna go with that.

He fell. That's all. Maybe he was "up" and slowed or stopped his meds. I don't think he had this planned. I think it was a quick decision.

[Denninmi]

16. Again, sorry for your pain.

"this truly is a sickness, it has no bearing n what kind of a person he is"

THAT right there, In your few words, is the answer to ending the stigmatization of mental illness.

And, stigma is a tremendous reason why people do not seek treatment. in many ways, the way people with mental illness are treated is very analogous to the way AIDS patients, especially gay AIDS patients, were treated when it was a new disease. Ostracized, mocked, ridiculed, feared, isolated, abandoned, fired from jobs, you name it.

My own battle with this has been made so much harder because of the fear of stigma. I haven't encountered much real world stigma about myself because so few people knew. Now, almost all of the significant people in my life who deserved to know have been told. And it is a relief not to have to hide things. Even simple things - for example, I told me boss and my coworker everything, including the tale of my suicide attempt. They were great about it. But, a tiny liberating thing for me - I no longer have to hide the prescription bottles I had in a document lock box under my desk. I kept them there because I was more afraid of keeping them at home. I feared that people would see the name of the prescribing physician and the name of the drug. Scarlet Letter.

Scarlet Letter? Eh, not so much. I take Prozac 30 mgs and lamictal 100 mgs and dropping. Big fucking deal. My next door neighbor is dying of stage 4 cancer, she takes about a dozen things every day, no one looks down on her for that. I and everyone like me deserves to be treated exactly the same.

[ScreamingMeemie]

18. Bonobo...

I am so sorry you are going through this.

When my husband left for the store six years ago, he was only going to the store. There is never an answer. I have looked for all these years, and "what iffed" for a lot of them too... Surviving the suicide of a loved one is one of the hardest things we will ever do.

I will keep you and his family in my thoughts.

[Bonobo]

19. Thank you very much.

I am so very sorry for your pain as well and hope that it has lessened with time. It was very seer of you to send me your best wishes and thoughts.

[ScreamingMeemie]

21. There are really good days, and then there are days where I can't breathe.

I'm always around if you need to talk about how crappy this is.

And, Thank you.

[TexasBushwhacker]

17. How old was he? Any chance he had high blood pressure?

One class of drugs given for high blood pressure are the beta blockers like Inderal. They are notorious for causing depression. The suicide rate among Baby Boomers has risen considerably during the last decade. Men in their 50's are taking their lives at a rate 50% higher than expected. For women, the risk goes up in their 60's.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/baby-boomers-are-killing-themselves-at-an-alarming-rate-begging-question-why/2013/06/03/d98acc7a-c41f-11e2-8c3b-0b5e9247e8ca_story.html

[Bonobo]

20. I am starting to wonder if SSRI's might be involved too.

But I don't know if I want to even pursue it.

Paxil and that kind of thing are apparently sometimes used to treat bipolar depression despite the clear warnings that it can have a reverse effect.

[TexasBushwhacker]

22. The danger with SSRI's and bipolar is that they can increase manic episodes

The "black box" warning for SSRI's is regarding their use by young adults, teens and children. In that population of young people, SSRI's can increase suicidal thoughts. Even in adults, as antidepressants start to work, they can make the person feel just good enough that they have the energy to attempt suicide. The most dangerous time is not when the person is so depressed they can't get out of bed, don't eat and don't bathe. It's when they have a bit more energy, but are still profoundly depressed.

[Bonobo]

27. Yes, I learned that recently.

That would explain why there was no sign.

[HereSince1628]

23. Most suicide attempts of adults overwhelming correlate to failures to see a way out, not SSRIs

We really can't know about the successful suicides since their point of view is no longer available to research.

What we DO know is that suicide is associated with personal crises that demand changed attitudes about the suicidal person's relationship to their personal world view, their relationships to to significant others, and their anxieties about how they are viewed by the rest of the world.

Significantly, imo, many of these crises 'blow over' IF a person can be delayed from committing an irrevocable act. There -is- an opportunity for help making an adjustment to changed circumstance IF a window of time is created for that to happen. That's one of the reasons that 30 day waiting periods for hand gun purcahses are associated with suicide reduction.

I think it borders on depraved indifference that the psychiatric industry so often dismisses 'Adjustment Disorders' and considers it only as a last resort to explaining distress.

[BainsBane]

34. Typically BPD is treated with a stabilizer like lithium as well

but I guess I don't really know about counter indications. In general, SSRIs are the safest class of anti-depressants, certainly more so than MAO inhibitors.

[Bonobo]

24. (Update) He passed away this morning

October 31 here in Japan, Halloween.

[fizzgig]

25. i am so very sorry for your loss

my heart goes out to all who loved him. please take care of yourself and each other

[easttexaslefty]

26. I'm very very sorry.

[No Vested Interest]

28. Was he from a culture that might consider suicide the honorable thing

to do under certain circumstances?

[Bonobo]

29. No.

That is not true about Japan anymore.

[No Vested Interest]

30. I'm glad to know that. And offer you my sympathy on the loss

of your friend, under especially sad circumstances.

[Locut0s]

31. Very sorry to hear this Bonobo, only thing I can offer is this as someone who thinks about it...

Suicide is very simple, it happens when the emotional pain overwhelms ones coping abilities. Plain and simple. Don't ask any questions beyond that cause no answers exist beyond it, the questions may seen meaningful to you but the truth is they aren't. The pain simply reached a point where the decision to die weighed ever so slightly in favour of the decision to live. There is no other why.

I've been dealing with a recent breakdown, and have had several in the past, and part of these are frequent thoughts of suicide. I don't plan or go through with it because of the thought of what it would do to those who love me. But ask yourself this. What keeps YOU alive? If your answer is JUST what the thought of your death would mean to those who love you and there is NOTHING else keeping you alive, you are probably not in a good place. That might keep you from killing yourself for quite some time but when you think about it, it's not a reason to live for either is it? A reason NOT to kill yourself is not a reason TO live. You have to have a reason to live! If you no longer can answer the question "is it better to be alive or dead" in the affirmative, things are not going to end well in the long run. My guess is that your friend had been struggling with this for far longer than those around him may have thought. And it's NOT you're fault or ANY of those who loved him that they couldn't tell. I know that none of the people who know me know anything about my deep depressions and anxieties unless I choose to let them know about it, it's unfortunately amazingly easy to hide from even those closest to you.

[Bonobo]

32. Thanks, Locutus.

You make it pretty simple with that explanation. Clearly you have a lot of insight on this and I deeply appreciate you sharing it with me, brother.

[Locut0s]

33. No need to thank me. Stay strong...

I've never lost anyone close to me yet so I can only imagine the pain.

I envy you living in Japan though, even if it may seem bitter at this current moment. I love Asian culture, lived in south east Asia and China for 4 years early in my life (my mother is Chinese of Malaysian decent).

[transient]

35. I'm sorry, Bonobo.

I can't say to know what your friend was going through - I can only relay my experience with my own darkness. At some of the deepest levels I experienced, my loved ones were but gray silhouettes behind an impenetrable veil of shadow. I felt our interactions were empty, and all my cogitations directed at reaffirming that I did indeed love them were fruitless. It wasn't an absence of love, but an inability to feel it.