The Borowitz Report: Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance's Upcoming Book on Catholicism

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/leaked-excerpts-from-jd-vances-upcoming
(Today's TBR is for paid subscribers only)

TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

The following excerpts offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope:

As Jesus always said, blessed be the normal children.

And on that day—the best of my life—I thanked God for everything good He had given me. It was like I was speaking directly to Him. Because He’d called me to ask me to be His running mate.

Mary Magdalene is an underrated figure in the Bible. Very loyal. Stayed in her lane.

God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham prepared to do it. I think about this story often, especially when I’m asked about the Department of Education.

Why do the sacraments matter? Because Heaven, like all good nation-states, requires strong borders.

Don’t believe the rumors. I love the Pope! I think he’s fine. He feels the same way about me.

I hear your concerns about Iran, but trust me, it’s not a big deal: God will make peace in Heaven. Also, I was quietly against it from the start.

Blessed be the martyrs. That kind of commitment is rare. I personally have never died for anything, but I have posted through some very difficult news cycles.

Like Jesus, I grew up poor.

Catholicism first spoke to me when I watched Spotlight.

For me, hating trans people isn’t about faith. It’s about: I think it’s weird, and I don’t get it.....

- more at link, for paid subscribers only -

Relax friends, this is satire!

[Norrrm]

1. Well, the Pope is new. You can't expect him to be fully up to snuff, yet.

[Karadeniz]

2. Both jesus and paul referred to secret teachings. Christian theology is sort of based

On outer, not hidden, content. Paul's secrets may have to do with his reference to there being many gods besides the main, perfect one. He also refers to powers and potentates which have to be obeyed. The Greek he uses are aeons and archons and shouldn't be translated into terms that can be confused with earthly rulers. The multiple deities and the aeons and archons. are elements of the heretical cosmology, Gnosticism. In Christianity's first hundred years or so, Paul was called the apostle to the heretics. Orthodoxy couldn't take off until they could convince people that Paul's teachings were Orthodox.

In addition to its cosmology, Gnosticism taught a god system that governed the soul. That system is hidden in the gospel parables. It explains how a soul achieves perfection, its source, karma and reincarnation. Poor Martin Luther, as good as he was at spotting unscriptural practices within Rome's church, he couldn't uncover the teachings hidden within the parables, so he latched onto Paul's Grace as how we imperfect mortals become perfect without actually achieving perfection. In view of both Paul's references to Gnosticism and the parables' Gnostic soul teachings, Grace as a get out of jail free card is not scriptural theology.

Edgar Cayce's trance readings on the Essenes and Jesus should be read by all Christians. Also, since Jesus taught that the evolved soul can join the Creator, Jesus didn't have to die for our sins, convenient as that might be.