RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member’s life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack.

“Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He’s fading!” said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary up to an IV of pre-workout supplements, creatine, and raw milk to regulate his vital levels.

“Is anyone around here a trainer by chance? We need a CrossFit instructor, stat! Okay, prop him up against the pec deck—he can offset the cardiac arrest by doing some weighted chest flies. Oh God, he’s flatlining! Cut his shirt off, somebody get him a spotter. If we don’t hurry, he could slip into a coma and lose all his muscle mass.”

At press time, sources close to the situation assured the nation Kennedy was taking it easy after his health episode by just doing some jiujitsu in the sauna.

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-rushed-to-gym-after-heart-attack/

[Ocelot II]

1. The Onion. Damn. Why, oh why did you get my hopes up??

[dflprincess]

3. Excactly!

I was already reaching for my phone to send a text to my cousins on our politics thread.

[Ocelot II]

5. Yeah, just saw the words "RFK Jr" and "heart attack," and for a sweet moment...

[calimary]

13. I know that feeling!

You start getting your hopes up and then DAMN, there it goes.

[hlthe2b]

2. Sometimes the Onion is just LOL funny!

That headline is one of those times!

[dalton99a]

4. Kick

[Aristus]

6. I hope it's nothing trivial.

On edit: Satire: still dead.

[BlueWaveNeverEnd]

7. You got me!! Thought it was real

[Sympthsical]

8. SNL already did this

[niyad]

9. I had to check the link! At first glance, I saw "rfk. .heart attack. .gym"

sighhhhhh. Such high hopes!

[Ilsa]

10. "...he could slip into a coma and lose all his muscle mass."

[Marie Marie]

11. Did they give him an IV of raw milk?

[Aussie105]

12. Yeah! Sweat it out buddy!

Everybody knows rigorous exercise is the cure for an angina attack.

If only the story was true!

[LetMyPeopleVote]

14. I also had my hopes up until I saw that this was the Onion

[H2O Man]

15. Why would anyone

"alert" on this? It's from The Onion, and should be honored.

[Maeve]

16. Yeah, that's why I can looking!

Someone really doesn't get it

[H2O Man]

17. Seriously?

Is nothing sacred?