Spurious News: Top Air Force sergeant beats secretary of defense half to death, gets away with it
MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, VA (Spurious News Network) -- Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, who likes to style himself 'secretary of war,' today called an unprecedented meeting of all the generals and admirals in the military and their enlisted aides for a bizarre speech.
The speech ended in a hurry when Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force David Flosi used his fists to beat Hegseth's face to a bloody pulp.
"I have no idea why he called this meeting," said Chief Flosi. "The military's had email longer than anyone and he could have used that. But after an hour of him getting more and more insane, he said, 'we unleash overwhelming and punishing violence on the enemy. We also don’t fight with stupid rules of engagement. We untie the hands of our warfighters to intimidate, demoralize, hunt, and kill the enemies of our country.' Since the entire Trump administration is an enemy of our country, I was just doing what he told me to."
The military police agreed.
"We got this call that some zoomie had, somehow, broken every bone in Secretary Hegseth's face by punching him repeatedly," said Marine Colonel John Elder, the base provost marshal. "Five (military police) showed up and there's Hegseth lying on the ground in a puddle of blood and broken teeth, Chief Flosi dancing around like he just won the world heavyweight championship, and the entire audience cheering its asses off. We figured we'd just haul him in and be done with it. Then a Navy admiral played us the video of the speech Hegseth made, and it became very clear that Chief Flosi was just obeying orders. We asked him not to do it again and had him go back to his hotel room. He decided to drive back to his quarters near the Pentagon, and that was fine with me. To be very honest, what Chief Flosi did raised my opinion of the Air Force a whole lot."