I don't know if this is okay to put here
But my Mom died yesterday around 4pm. I'm discombobulated, terrified at all the things that have to be done, and missing her greatly. After about 2 hours, I finally got hold of my brother and sister and my sis and I went up to the nursing home to see her before the transfer to the funeral home. One big surprise awaiting us... she had been moved to another room when COVID hit last, had never been moved back to her original room, and they couldn't find ANY of her stuff. We waited for quite a while as they looked all over everywhere, and then I said we'd be in touch next week to follow up. Just made a hard situation even harder for us.
The funeral home called to let me know they had Mom, and to set up an appt to go over everything I'd set up for her a couple of years back. If we stick to the plan, everything is paid for. But neither my brother or my sister wanted to be with me when I did all this planning, so I don't know if they're going to want changes. I mean... I'm not a Christian. It's kinda not a fair spot to put me in!
She'll be buried next to my Dad at the National Cemetery. Don't know when. I'm in Kansas, and I'm under a blizzard warning at the moment, with snow not expect to let up until sometime Monday. Plus, with Jimmy Carter's funeral on Thursday, the Post will be closed, so they won't be able to bury her then. Between the weather, not knowing if I can make it to the funeral home meeting on Monday, not knowing if I'll have my siblings help at that point, I'm just all too pieces. This is the very last thing I can do for my Mom, until my own ceremony at Samhain. I do so want to make it right.
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Sorry for your loss. 
They are taken to heart with the love proffered. Beyond being the oldest in the family, I've been Pagan for over 40 years now, and it's usually MY job to help people through these situations. Also having a psych degree, I'm reminded of the old adage, "Physician, heal thyself." The HP who could and has ministered to me in the past is about 1.5 hours away on a good day. In a blizzard? I wouldn't even ask.
I do have covenmates around the corner and up the street from me. They will do whatever they can, I know. And I have a best, close friend who just spent New Years Eve with us. She will help getting the word out about the funeral to the contractors and government workers who knew both me and mom when we worked up there - after I finally get arrangements fixed.
Brother and sister and I are all on good terms. We've always had our own lives, only my Sis and I are really what I'd call close. I did tell her a bit ago I need her to go to this funeral meeting with me, and she agreed. We'll tell my brother when it is and give him the option. Would be very surprised if he showed up, but that's the way we've worked since Mom's Alzheimer's got bad. Sis and I have taken care of everything, and just told my brother about it. 
I am so glad I did do the pre-planning for her. I knew it would help when the time came; I didn't realize how much of a load it would take off my shoulders. At the time, I told Bro and Sis about it all and got their verbal ok. And I think all of us just put it out of our heads at that point - didn't want to think about it. They are free to add or change things at the meeting, and it won't hurt my feelings -- as long as they pay for whatever changes they make. My Social Security isn't going to do anything else. We covered what was lacking when I did the planning the first time, when we had a little money in savings.
My grandson is living with me, and he's trying to help me. Of course, being a guy, he doesn't really know how. But I know he's there, and he's constantly coming up and giving me hugs, which I more than appreciate. Those unrealistic expectations are my downfall... and they don't come from anyone but myself. Where Mom was concerned, I was always there to do whatever needed to be done, especially after we lost my Dad. She and I had a complicated history, but I can honestly say we ended not only as mother and daughter, but as close friends. And, oh... did we have the stories to tell! (LOL)
The loss of your mother will stir up things in your family that may be surprising. As for all the plans you are having to do and finalize solo — write and date as you go.
I am terribly sorry that the nursing home/retirement home lost all her possessions. I hope there was nothing precious among them, because after all this time I am afraid you will have to consider them lost. If you want to pursue it, write a list with your siblings’ help.
May the Mother of All hold you gently in Her arms,
Blessed be.
I'm so saddened to learn of your loss. 
Healing vibes on the way to you.
We do have a bereavement forum
https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234
Nice thing about DU is that someone is always on to chat with.
Please be gentle with yourself. Rest when you feel tired, cry when you need to.
May your heart be healed & warm memories be plentiful.
We have either all been in a similar situation or are likely to be one day.
Grieving is hard work physicslly. So pls remember to do some deep breathing, eat healthy foods, and sleep.
No, it's not a good time for family to gather given the weather. Much as you would like the closure your mom's memorial will bring, it sounds as if that is likely to be delayed due to circumstsnces well beyond anyone's control.
I also urge you to contact your local hospice & sign up for free bereavement therapy. They are specially trained to help people resolve their grief. I would imagine these days they likely offer it through telehealth.
Take good care & pls remember we are here for you. You do not have to go through this alone.
I'd been reading Du for a couple of years before COVID hit. I could see the huge threat of many deaths coming, so I decided to join up as I have work experience in bereavement, so that I could be a support to the people I'd gotten to "know" by reading all their wonderful posts. 
And Dr. Candace Pert proved it:
https://www.6seconds.org/2007/01/26/the-physics-of-emotion-candace-pert-on-feeling-good/
I always figured when the time came, I'd be a broken heap. Mom and I had a complicated history, but we ended up also being very close friends. We did everything together (some of which, we probably shouldn't have done). She and I were always everywhere making trouble - good and otherwise! But I've not broken down yet. I've cried as I wrote my message here, and I think the tears flow through the fingers. I think I'm still in shock and unbelieving right now. I can't quite process. I also know I need to bear up for my sister's sake, but that will come with the memorial. Afterwards, I'll probably have my time to grieve. I was so busy after Dad died, I never got a chance to actually grieve for him. I moved in with Mom for a few months to help her get affairs in order, to be company for her at night, and to do the normal everyday things that she just couldn't do in her grief. And, of course, I was working at the time, too. But I find myself at odd times, breaking out in tears for my Dad. When I see a particular sunset, the Little Sisters Constellation, or the Milky Way... things that were important to me and Dad. Who knows... maybe that's how I process grief. We don't always do things the way everyone else does, and that usually goes double for me. I may be the same way with Mom. When the leaves turn in Autumn, I'll probably spend time each year crying, as it was her favorite season. Whenever I hear an Elvis or Johnny Cash song, or see someone playing the Hawaiian guitar, I'll probably cry... like I do when I hear someone play a mandolin like my Dad. I miss her... but oh, gods, I'll miss the stuff we shared together. We had such plans for when I retired. And then I came down with Fibro and Lupus, and she got Alzheimers. What do they say about the best laid plans? That's life!
May she cross gently.
Nothing I can say, and of course you're overwhelmed. Take care of yourself and don't put too much pressure of yourself. Your feelings will take time to work through.
Really boils it right down. Thanks, Alice Kramden. It’s a good reminder for us all.
And slightlv, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope it’s been helpful for you to share it. One of the things I really love about this place is how people rally around those in pain. The hurt is there, and it’s a heavy lift, but that sympathy and empathy can help make it at least a little bit easier to bear.
Know exactly how you feel.
My mother passed away last August after 99 beautiful years so I sympathize with you. I was by her bedside and could physically feel her absence when she passed. Even though she had prior arrangements with the funeral home I was surprised there was still so much to do and decisions to make. But everything was done with our love of her in mind as I’m sure you will as well and will lead to a beautiful tribute in memory of her.
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I am so sorry for your loss, slightly.
you honor her best by allowing yourself, if you will pardon the saying, some grace. It’s a terrifying time, but you are doing good. The funeral home is a wonderful resource. There’s no kind of sitiuation they haven’t seen before. You should feel free to ask them for guidance and help.
I am so sorry for your pain. My mom lived with me for 16 years before she passed six years ago. We were so close my whole life - it felt like an axe wound when she died. I still have very difficult times. Sometimes the pain becomes raw and fresh once again.
You are doing good. Everything will happen as it needs to. Ask for help, and then accept help.
so sorry for your loss.
As far as making mistakes we had a memorial for my dad after a service and we were then told to go to the memorial garden because he was cremated.
So I got there first and what I see is a little cardboard box. I remember saying, 'Is my father in there?" and I don't think anyone felt comfortable at that point
A minute or 2 later the minister comes running out with nice cover, (table cloth small thing)
I bet whoever was in charge felt really bad about it. But nothing was said nor needed to be said.
Deepest condolences on your loss. One of the wonderful things about this forum is that we're here for each other. When I lost my husband, this place really helped hold me up.
It sounds like all plans are in place, so the best thing you can do right now is make sure to take care of yourself. Sleep can be difficult, and eating a challenge, but it will pass. You'll get through this. If you've never kept a journal, try it. The only time in my life that I did was when I was dealing with Michael's illness and death, and it really, really helps. Get your thoughts out in a way that is healthy and secure. I did a lot of ranting. And feel what you're feeling...if you want to cry, cry. Your friends and family will understand. Nobody else matters.
As for your siblings, it sounds like they chose to step out when the plans were being made. They also had the chance to talk to you about what you did way before this. Don't want to sound cold at a hard time for you, but if they don't like what you set up, sorry, but that's too bad. It's too late for changes.
Hang in there. We're here for you.
Take a few deep breaths. Plot out a list of to-do's and take them one at a time. What needs to be done first. What comes next. And then next. Focus on each one until it's done. Worry about the next one when you get to it. That worked for us.
Perfectly fine to post it here. The DU community is amazing in their breadth of knowledge and support. Folks here have helped me without them even knowing it. Hope I've done the same in some small way.
It's hard, especially with so much up in the air.
I hope your brother and sister and you can do much of it together so you don't have to carry it all. In the meantime, it sounds like the plan you made while she was still with you to help with the decisions will at least be a solid basis even if a few details change.
I hope you can take as much time as you need. Peace be with you and your siblings.
So many of us have already been there, so we do know how you are feeling. I lost both of my parents in 2012, six months apart.
The biggest thing I learned was that there isn't one right way to grieve. We all do it in our own way, and in our own time. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do for you. You took care of your mom, and it sounds like you did so beyond measure. Now take that caring and apply it to yourself. She would want you to do that.
As for all of the things that need to be done, lean on the professionals. The funeral home, the cemetery, anyone you have to deal with. That's what they are there for, and they will help you.
None of us can control the weather, so let it go. Make your arrangements, and family that can make it, will be there.
The tears will come. When they start, let it happen. It is part of grieving, and healing. I call tears 'liquid pain coming out of my eyes.'
You were so busy with your mom, that you didn't have time to grieve your dad. Now you can grieve both of them, and process it in your way and in your time. And someday, can't tell you when, the happy memories are going to be stronger than the grief.
I promise it will come.
For your mom and dad
For your dad 
For you
As to the first part, it looks like the next time you are in touch with the nursing home, it needs to be an attorney who will get the ball rolling. Your mother's stuff will be found or the truth will come out then.
Yep, that is not copasetic of your siblings. I think, as a non-Chirstian myself, I would have let them know about the wonderful Samhain that you were planning for your mother. I suspect that might get them more motivated to get involved with the proceedings. (But that is just me. Being left to handle that on your own is about as disrespectful a thing as I have heard in a while.)
I wish I had more to offer that would help. All I can do is offer my condolences and some good vibes for healing. May you find some peace and may your mother's next journey be filled with light.
I didn't read through all the responses that you received in your OP but knowing DU it's a vast source of helpful information.
I wanted to share this checklist from AARP that you might find helpful. My apologies if someone else already listed this link.
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2020/when-loved-one-dies-checklist.html
