Spurious News: FDA creates definition for "ultra processed" foods
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- Ultra-processed foods have been in the news recently, with many public health officials declaring them a threat to the common person and governments seeking limits on their use.
That's a problem because there really isn't a good definition that can be used to describe them. Many conflicting descriptions exist, but the ones being used are so disparate some people claim foods like canned soup and packaged snacks are ultra-processed while others apply the title to such ordinary foods as bread and hamburgers.
The United States Food and Drug Administration has finalized an official definition and a qualification test for ultra-processed foods which the food industry has accepted wholeheartedly.
Said Judith Bernard, Ph.D., a FDA food researcher, "if Donald Trump will eat it, it's an ultra-processed food."
The qualification test is very simple to perform, according to Dr. Bernard. "We bring a sample of the test article weighing no more than 120 grams (roughly four ounces) into Trump's office, set it on his desk, and move to at least ten feet away from his desk. Then we time how long it takes him to eat it." The distance is for safety reasons: "The second time we ran this test we offered him a fruit-flavored snack. He took a bite out of it, tried to fire the research team for poisoning him, and threw it so hard at one of us it caused a bruise. Ten feet is about as far as he can throw food so past that range we're safe. I still can't understand what his problem is with that sample; it's one of my favorite things to eat."
The FDA has created four classes of ultra-processed foods. "First there's 'eaten by Donald Trump,'" said Dr. Bernard. "If it takes him between three and five minutes to eat the sample, that's what we use. 'Preferred by Donald Trump' is applied to items that are eaten in between one and three minutes. If he eats the whole thing in less than a minute, we declare the item 'Loved by Donald Trump.'"
The fourth class is "Preferred by Donald Trump," and that's a little harder to get. "To classify something as 'Preferred by Donald Trump,' we place two samples on his desk - the test article, and an article already classified as 'Loved by Donald Trump.' The one he eats first receives the coveted 'Preferred by Donald Trump' label."
The packaged food industry has responded with enthusiasm. Said Joachim Valdez, vice president of market research for the global snack company Mondelez, "Millions of Americans love President Trump. By choosing snacks labeled Preferred by Donald Trump and Loved by Donald Trump they can feel closer to their hero. We don't put those labels on products sold outside the US because it's a marketing liability anywhere else - he is not a popular man. But in the US it's a game changer."