(Tech) Bros Before Hos, and Other Fun Rules Under Your New Oligarchy! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, hello there. Been a minute. You’re looking well. Y’know, I almost got the smell of autocracy and overcooked steak farts out of my poor, battered cranium, but it appears break time is over, alas.
(Bet you remember this, but get links n’ shiny colors by clicking HERE: https://showercapblog.com/tech-bros-before-hos-and-other-fun-rules-under-your-new-oligarchy/)
So, a few days back, some soft, sloppy dork called Patrick Thomas Egan assaulted a reporter, strangling him while bleating, “This is Trump’s America now!”
And I confess I’ve wondered, as I’m sure you have as well, since last we met…is the fashy little twerp right? Is it indeed time to jettison all those pesky, self-evident truths, slap on an ill-fitting suit with a too-long red necktie, and rezone the joint for golden toilets?
Just in case, I informed the nail-gun-wielding chap heading up the press gang that swept my regular Thursday coffee shop of my strong preference for assignment to the Panama Canal front, though I suppose the Chicago winters have prepared me for Canada or Greenland if it comes down to it.
But I still think the answer is no, for a variety of reasons. For starters, if anything, it’s Elon Musk’s America. He bought the incoming administration fair and square, and I’m sure between the credit rating and all the felony convictions, the oath of office requires a co-signer at this point anyway.
Longtime Twitter users’ll tell ya Elon tends to play rough when he gets his hands on a new toy, so I hope nobody was surprised when he immediately attempted to shut the whole dang government down, like a tapped out emerald mine or somethin’.
And Musk, excuse me, “Kekius Maximus,” (as if having an oligarch shadow President wasn’t enough, ours rotted his brain in the darkest, most hateful corners of the alt-Right losersphere, yay) already has his eyes on expanding his collection of Western governments, endorsing the Naziest German party he could find, in addition to lending his support to celebrity British hatemonger Tommy Robinson.
Still, Off-Brand Orbán is at least consulted on certain personnel matters, and while the proposed Cabinet he’s assembled resembles nothing so much as a cluster of intestinal cysts in varied stages of bursting, no one could accuse them of disloyalty.
Well. Except to the Constitution of the United States, of course. A piddling consideration, next to the price of eggs, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Incidentally, hope everybody caught the post-election update that said price of eggs will not, as was previously pledged, be coming down. (As with all Trump campaign promises, if you read the fine print, it says “SUCKER” between two tiny, stunted middle fingers.)
Anyhoo, I’m certainly disappointed the entire Matt Gaetz fiasco played out during my hiatus, if only because “Team of Rapists” would’ve been a money blog title. I suppose Hesgeth and the brainworm fellow are still in the running, so maybe I’ll save it for the leather-bound, multi-volume retrospective, assuming literacy is still a thing in four years.
I wouldn’t take that for granted, given the rumblings we’re already seeing of a potential MAGA civil war. Cuz that’s how you get Morlocks, folks.
I almost feel bad for the poor dolts. You give a white nationalist death cult the best years of your life, you take your livestock dewormer every single night, you dutifully pay your rube tithe every time a new NFT or anti-woke pop tart substitute drops, only for Vivek-come-lately and his billionaire bros to swoop in at the last minute to replace you with foreigners after all. Adding insult to injury, the price of tiki torches has gone through the roof.
Historically, the Children of the Candy Corn have been, um, let’s say “slow” to notice they’ve been conned, but the sneering disdain of the new management has grown too loud to ignore. Between assaults on their culture’s “mediocrity” and “laziness,” (to say nothing of their beloved teen sitcoms) and being labeled “contemptible fools” who should “fuck (themselves) in the face," why, it’s enough to make a deplorable curl up in the corner of their basket and cry.
At first, I wondered who would get the dog in the Elon/Laura Loomer divorce, but the dog turned out to be the remnant of Stephen Miller’s spray-on hair from his 2018 Face the Nation appearance, which, having gained a rudimentary sentience, has been nominated by the incoming Reich to head up the Civil Rights Division at DoJ.
Anyway, now Steve Bannon’s demanding reparations, or he’s going to rip Elon’s face off, though whether the removal would take place before or after he fucks himself in the abovementioned face was unclear at press time.
Still, the schism may yet be avoided, as a pair of domestic terror attacks perpetrated by U.S. citizens have allowed Cult45’s bickering factions to recenter their ire on the southern border. Which, you’ll observe, makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I bet they’ll lose a whole buncha sleep over that.
See, to Republicans, terrorism mostly means an opportunity for xenophobic preening. So for Senator Kennedy, this week was basically Xmas, especially since he got to test-drive some of the anti-media material he’s been working up for Maggie Haberman’s pending show trial.
Despite a federal appeals court upholding her sexual assault and defamation judgment against the rapist America just elected President, E. Jean Carroll rejected repeated pleas for financial aid from the American Broadcasting Corporation, saying, “pay your own cowardice tax, you pathetic enablers.”
Naturally, this ruling wasn’t the week’s sole reminder of the Dotard’s life of crime; on the small matter of those 34 felony convictions, his long-delayed sentencing, now scheduled for next week, promises to give the rule of law a festive sendoff before we descend once more into kakistocracy.
…though not without substantial hissing and spitting from the felonious rapist’s lawless collaborators, of course. MAGA hasn’t thrown a culture-wide shitfit like the one they pitched when Liz Cheney and Bennie Thompson received the Presidential Citizens Medal since that time Congress refused to overturn that one election, even when the gentleman in the ceremonial headdress asked so nicely.
Mike Johnson dazzled the House Republican Conference, clearing the centimeter-high competence threshold statisticians have labeled the “McCarthy Line,” and getting himself elected Speaker with minimal rake-stepping. In most countries, spending time with Chip Roy is punishment for shoplifting, so have a blast, kid.
Oklahoma state superintendent Ryan Walters claims teachers unions have turned our nation’s public schools into “terrorist training camps,” but not to worry, his taxpayer-financed mass purchase of rapist-endorsed Bibles will re-indoctrinate them kids lickety split!
I see Nancy Mace is still trying to blame her many deficiencies on a “vaccine injury,” but even after multiple rounds of boosters, I myself have yet to feel the slightest urge to police my colleagues’ restroom usage, let alone fill my social media accounts with slurs, so it’s possible she’s just an asshole.
Donald Trump Jr. complains Daddy’s friends treat him like a “freaking imbecile” at the annual Marm-a-Lago New Year’s party, implying there are situations where people treat him like anything else, which I for one don’t believe for a second.
But God bless the perpetual motion slapstick comeuppance machine some call Rudy Giuliani; we need the schadenfreude now more than ever. An NYPD task force discovered Rudy in a particularl disreputable corner of Central Park, in a burrow he apparently dug by hand in an effort to hide several Yankees World Series rings from Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, each of which he screechingly proclaimed “MY PRECIOUS” as they were removed from various orifices.
Anyway, yeah. If you’ve missed having somebody around to help you navigate the news cycle by conjuring images of aging traitors hiding contraband up their butts, have I got good news for you! Shoot, I’ll even let you buy me a beer (via Cash App, PayPal or Venmo) if you’re so inclined! You’re also welcome to sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar. But whatever you do, stay safe out there, my friend…shit’s gonna get weird.
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Welcome back!
Stick around, we'll be needing you flavor of mental floss!
And, here we are…
Anyway, it seems that every last person in the US got a COLA including the billionaires. Well, except me. Oh, and my health coverage went up $102.00/month. Nice work if you can get it. 
It’s an understatement to say I’m a little bitter about the whole thing.
It’s good to see you back, SC.